Monday, February 13, 2012

A Very Politically Incorrect Valentine's Day Gift Guide

For Teenagers Qream

Did you know that Pharrell Williams recently introduced a new liquor called Qream for “women who want to live deliciously”? Sounds enchanting. It comes in peach and strawberry flavor and I can’t imagine that it appeals to anyone over the age of 21. Same goes for all alcoholic beverages that are aggressively marketed towards women. Nuvo, P.I.N.K. Vodka, and the particularly appalling Skinnygirl Cosmo are also sure to impress your underage hottie.

For Prudes Pleaser USA shoes
If you must date a prude, get her some slutty shoes for Valentine’s Day. Pleaser USA is the preferred brand of footwear for strippers, sex workers, and my personal hero, Taylor Momsen.

For Artists Unearthen x Alexandra Cassaniti vial necklace (filled with your blood)
If artists were unable to express themselves creatively they would all be institutionalized.  That’s why if you give an artist a vial of your blood for Valentine’s Day it’s generally regarded as a romantic gesture, not a red flag. It’s also a nice throwback to early-aughts-era Angelina Jolie.

For Evangelicals Condoms 
Because God forbid you should reproduce with this person. If you do they’ll probably send your kid to a creepy school with an abstinence-only sex education program. And then your kid will end up getting knocked up or knocking up some other kid and the vicious cycle will repeat itself. Break the chain with these impossibly chic Chanel condoms, only $279 for a box of 12!

For Graphic Designers Upscale coffee table books about filthy porn magazines
What was once hidden under a dirty mattress is now elegantly packaged and proudly displayed in the window of the Rizzoli store. Oh how times have changed. Tom of Finland XXL, The Private Collection Box 1970-1979, Dressing for Pleasure, and Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds are all good options. 

For Unhappy Singles Baskin-Robbin's Cake bites
These are perfect for people who like to spend their Valentines Day watching The Mirror Has Two Faces and binge eating in solitude. 

For Fashionistas A rose-scented Diptyque candle and something from Agent Provocateur
For Alcoholics Lip-shaped flask
A couple that drinks together stays together! Until one of you sobers up and realizes that your relationship is unhealthy at best, and at worst, a colossally fucked-up disaster. Cheers!

For Normies A teddy bear and DVD of Valentines Day.


Rowena said...

Refreshing PI. Thank you muchly.

Chuck said...

Ahaha, you have to go and reading the Hairpin series on Qooking with Qream - very funny/revolting!

July minijuegos said...

What a great post .. very happy and fun ... haha ...

wool and misc said...

A+++++, as always, ladies!

bsterling said...

I really enjoy your gift guides.

Annika said...

Haha, this rules. Qream sounds so incredibly revolting.

Also my stoner girlfriends LOVED the lipstick-shaped pipes from your Xmas gift guide.

kimberley said...

You ladies are truly amazing. This is the best blog out there.

xo kimberley

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