Sunday, November 27, 2011

A Very Politically Incorrect Gift Guide

Christmas shopping is a bitch. It requires time, money, thoughtfulness, gift wrap, trips to the post office, and other stuff that you probably don't have time for. So, to take the edge off your holiday shopping,  we present the ultimate gift guide for all of the colorful characters in you life...

For Fetishists
If you know someone who is a fan Jawbreaker and BDSM, look no further than the jawbreaker ball gag! It's not rubber, it's an actual jawbreaker. So when you're in the throws of passion you will be flooded with fond memories of one of the most underrated teen comedies of the 90's. It doesn't sound particularly appealing to me, but to each their own. Throw in a DVD of Jawbreaker while you're at it.

For Smokers
Smoking kills, but if you have no clue what to buy your smoker friends get them cigarettes. Smokers love cigarettes. They love them so much that they won't even care that you didn't put any thought or effort into their christmas present. If you don't know what brand they usually smoke go with Nat Sherman Fantasias, they're fun.

For Alcoholics
These cat wine stoppers are perfect gift for alcoholics and cat lovers alike! Especially good for alcoholic cat lovers. They come in a variety of breeds. 

For Homosexuals
Coffee table books make great gifts for everyone but if you're searching for the perfect present for that very special GLBT person in your life, look no further! Hollywood Babylon II by Kenneth Anger and Looking Good by Charles Hix are both great options for gay dudes, assuming that they have good taste and/or an appreciation for camp. Get lesbians Sisters by David Hamilton or  Sappho by the Sea by J. Frederick Smith. And make a card with Rachel Maddow on it (swoon).

For Fashionistas
Shoes with glitter on them, ideally Miu Miu or Rodarte for Opening Ceremony

For Your Worst Enemy
An Edible Arrangement. It's scarier than a severed animal head for sure.

For Republicans
Get Republicans a $50 donation to the ACLU, the Human Rights Campaign, Wikileaks, or NPR in their name. Or an edible arrangement.



For Stoner Chicks
Most pipes are ugly and clearly designed for and by dudes. This lipstick pipe is discreet enough to throw in your make-up bag and pretty enough to leave on your coffee table. Plus it looks EXACTLY like a Chanel lipstick. And don't forget to buy screens!

For the Clinically Depressed
Depressed people should watch the complete series of Six Feet Under. It could make them more depressed, but if you're going to lie in bed all day you might as well experience 63 hours of the best television show ever. Plus the depressed person is likely to relate to one of the characters on the show and perhaps it will make them feel less alone. Or it will serve as a painful reminder the life is miserable and ultimately, fleeting. 

For Normies
A Starbucks gift card










22 comments:

pipilotti said...

the ultimate gift guide! love it.

Anonymous said...

Perfection

///G\\\

jules said...

CATaclysmically FANTASTIC.

Lavender said...

very politically incorrect christmas for you! love your ideas

Agent Lover said...

AHAHHA!!! So fucking good!

Apeshite said...

LOL, so funny.

anabela / fieldguided said...

This is so good. I guess I'm an alcoholic cat lover who is clinically depressed because I would love those things

bsterling said...

Best gift guide I have ever seen. Bravo.

ambika said...

Is it sad that I'd either go for the Starbucks gift card or the cat wine stopper? I don't even want to think about what that says about me.

kellyr said...

ah yes!! finally a guide i can relate to. 'For Your Worst Enemy An Edible Arrangement.' totally!

LuxiRare said...

I really want to watch Six feet under, I have never seen it but your description makes it sound awesome.

Caren via Tea and Chickadees said...

best Christmas gift guide.ever.

elena nikolaevna said...

hahaha u kill it!!! amazing!!

Sleepy Darlings said...

That lipstick pipe is genius! I'll be getting one for all my friends. You've made this holiday so easy!!

camilla said...

so much gold contained in one post. the cat stopper. the lipstick pipe. but mostly, the edible arrangement.

Kate said...

Super cool! Extra level politically incorrect in that both the lesbian books are shot by dudes (yuck!).

Chelsea said...

Glad you all like this post so much!
Agreed Kate, totally gross!

aquarium supplies said...

i8 love your strange sense of humor so much!

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Abhishek myflowergift said...

The gifts are looking different from one another.Your gifts are looking lovely.
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